Harry

Anno 1870. Dragoons are quartered in a village. A sergeant is housed in a farm. Clattering spurs and rattling sabers, he moves like a rooster on the dung. The farmer looks at this for a while without saying a word. Lunch. The sergeant takes his saber out of its scabbard, places it on the table in front of him and sits down. But then things get too stupid for the farmer. He goes out, gets a pitchfork and puts it on the table in front of him. The sergeant is taken aback: “What does that mean?” – “Nothing,” says the farmer, “or at most that we farmers also know what is appropriate. A big knife goes with a big fork.”

A man comes home from a business trip and is happily greeted at the door by his dog: "Well, Schnuffi, everything went well here at home?" - "Jaaauuul!" - "What's going on, something with my mistress?" - "Woof!" - "Did something bad happen to her?" Be silent. “Well, were there visitors?” - "Woof!" - "About a man?" "Woof woof!" - “What did they do?” - “PITCHELHECHELHECHEL!!!”

After every flight, pilots fill out a form where they inform the mechanics of problems that occurred during the flight and that require repair or correction. In return, the mechanics inform the pilots on the lower part of the form what actions they have taken before the aircraft takes off again. You can't say that the ground crew or engineers are humorless about this. Here are some complaints and problems that have actually been filed by QANTAS airline pilots. In addition, the respective response comment from the mechanics. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a crash. P = Problem reported by pilot. S = The solution/measure of the engineer/mechanic. P: The inside left tires almost need to be replaced. S: Inside left tires almost renewed. P: Test flight OK, landing very hard with autopilot. S: Landing with autopilot not installed on this aircraft type. P: Something is loose in the cockpit. S: We fixed something in the cockpit again. P: Dead bugs on the window. S: Live beetles on backorder. P: The autopilot initiates a descent of 200 fpm despite being set to "hold altitude". S: Unfortunately, we cannot understand this problem on the ground. P: Indication of a leak on the right side. S: Note removed. P: DME is incredibly loud. S: DME adjusted to more believable volume. P: IFF doesn't work. S: IFF never works when turned off. P: Suspect crack in the window. S: Guess you're right. P: Drive 3 is missing. S: Drive 3 found on the right wing after a short search. P: Plane flies strangely. S: Airplane warns to be serious and fly decently. P: Target radar buzzes. S: Targeting radar reprogrammed so that it now speaks in words. P: Mouse in the cockpit. S: Cat installed.

"Doctor, my wife is crazy: she keeps 20 cats in the apartment." "That means she's very fond of animals." "Yes, but I can't stand the smell anymore." "Then why don't you open the window?" "That's not possible because then my 50 pigeons would fly away."

Two prison inmates are talking. "Why are you here?" "I'm a bicycle dealer and I offered Erich Honecker my resignation. - And you?" "I watched Erich Honecker through a telescope." "There's nothing bad about it!" "Yes, yes, but I still had a rifle hanging on the bottom."

Two men sit with a German Shepherd in a bar. Someone comes in, looks under the German Shepherd's tail and goes out again. If a second person comes in, he also looks under the German Shepherd's tail and goes out again. A third person comes in and looks under the German Shepherd's tail and wants to go out again. Then the dog owner says: "You're the third person to look under my dog's tail, what's the point?" - "There's someone outside who says there's a German Shepherd sitting there with two assholes in it."

Three shipwrecked people, a Frenchman, a Dutchman and a German swim to a deserted island, are fished out of the water by natives and brought to the chief. He looks at them and says in a stern voice: "If you want to stay here, you have to go into the forest and each come back with two fruits..." Without thinking for long, the three storm off. The Frenchman returns first, carrying a bunch of grapes and a strawberry in his hand. He brings them to the chief, who says: "Now put both fruits in your ass, but if you laugh, you will die!" The Frenchman starts with the grapes, but has to giggle terribly. The chief then smashes his skull with a terrible blow from his wooden scepter. The remains have barely been cleared away when the German arrives, unsuspecting and proudly carrying an apple and a pear in his hand. And again the chief speaks: "Stick these fruits up your ass, but if you laugh, you will die!" The German does as he is told. But all of a sudden, when the apple is already deep in his butt and everyone is working hard on sinking the pear, he has a fit of laughter that tears well up in his eyes. In a rage, the chief cuts off his skull. The German meets the French in front of the gates of heaven: "What was wrong, did you laugh too?" "Yes, unfortunately. The grape tickled like hell and I couldn't control myself. And you, what happened to you?" "The apple wasn't a problem, but then I saw the Dutchman with a melon and a pineapple in his hand."

God is tired of it and wants the slaughter in the former Yugoslavia. For this purpose he sends Jesus back to earth. However, something went wrong during the landing and Jesus ended up in Sicily. No problem, he asks a fisherman if he can translate him. The fisherman sets off in his decrepit boat. Jesus is doing all this too slowly, and he remembers that he used to be able to walk on water. So he climbs over the railing and immediately sinks. The fisherman barely gets hold of him and pulls him back on board. Jesus: "I don't understand that, but that worked before." The fisherman replied: “You didn’t have any holes in your feet!”

Someone goes to hell, faces the devil and can choose one of three chambers into which it should be placed. In the first chamber everyone is burned with red-hot iron - he doesn't like that very much. In the second chamber there is just a terrible flogging - it's still too hard for him. Finally, in the third chamber, all the test subjects stand up to their necks in shit and smoke a cigarette. Yes, the candidate exclaims happily, I think that appeals to me. I'll take the third chamber. So he stands up to his neck in shit with the others and lights one up. Suddenly a little devil comes and says: "Cigarette break is over, everyone go back into hiding!"

There are three men in the jungle. Suddenly they end up in the hands of cannibals. Says the chief: "We will cook you and then eat you. We will then make rubber boats out of your skin. Before we eat you, however, each of you will be granted one last wish." The first wants a gun and shoots himself. The second also wants a gun and shoots himself too. The third thinks about it and wishes for a fork. Then he pricks his skin with his fork and shouts: "You won't make a rubber boat out of me!"

A poor, believing man prays to God: "Dear God, please let me win the lottery." The next day he prays again: "Lord, please make me win the lottery." This is how it goes day after day. After a year, the man is still praying: "Dear God, please let me win the lottery someday." Nothing happens. The man continues to pray bravely, then suddenly the room lights up and a deep, loud voice speaks to him: "Dear man, give me a chance, finally buy yourself a lottery ticket!"