The Joke Book
86 topics in this forum
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Started by
Legionaire, -
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Started by
Harry, The teacher asks the students: "What is a turbot?" Fritzchen answers: "A very flat fish." Teacher: "And why is it so flat?" Fritzchen: "Because it had sex with a whale." Outraged, the teacher takes Fritzchen to the principal and tells him the whole story. The principal asks: "Why are you doing such nonsense?" Fritzchen: "It's not my fault that the teacher asks such stupid questions, she should have asked why the frog has such big eyes." Principal: "Why does it have such big eyes?" Fritzchen: "Well, he saw the whole thing!"
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A ventriloquist is putting on a show for a group of blondes and, of course, is telling a few blonde jokes. At some point one of the blondes jumps up and yells at the stage: "Hey, you bastard up there, what are you telling all these stupid stories about blondes all the time? We're not as stupid as you pretend." - "Relax, they're all just jokes," says the ventriloquist. The blonde replies: "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the little scumbag sitting on your knee!"
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Started byHarry,
Although grammar has clearly decided, many users are puzzled as to the gender of their computer. Women tend to see it as a man because: computers are full of information and yet have no idea. They are supposed to solve problems and yet most of the time they are the biggest problem themselves. To get their attention, you have to turn them on. As soon as you have decided on one, it turns out that you only had to wait a short time for a better model. Men, on the other hand, advocate for female computers: no one except their creator understands their logic. The language they use to communicate with each other is understood by no one else. They never forget even the smallest m…
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Started byHarry,
Bachelor party! The future husband is asked to stick on a beard that his friends have brought him during the evening. The evening goes on and is very enjoyable. The "victim" is also very grateful to his friends that the usual stupid jokes that are otherwise the order of the day at such events are avoided. No making fun of each other, no kissing games, etc. Just wearing beards, nothing else! At the end, everyone goes to the sauna together. The future husband is happy to have survived everything. However, he is very surprised when he sees his friends: they are all radically shaved in their pubic areas. When he asked what that was about, he got the answer: "What do you t…
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Started byHarry,
It is night, a frog hops across the street. A car just manages to brake. The driver gets out and looks to see if anything has happened to the frog. The frog says to the man: "Thank you for braking, you have one wish!" The man thinks for a moment, takes the frog to the trunk, opens it and says: "Hm, my dog would like to take part in the dog race and come first!" The frog looks at the dog and says to the man: "But he only has three legs, don't you have another wish?" The man thinks for a moment, opens the passenger door: "My wife would like to take part in a beauty contest and win!" The frog looks at the man and says: "Can I see the dog again?"
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Started byHarry,
A married couple goes on vacation to Turkey. After a week, the woman says to the man: "You, I want to sunbathe naked, but without anyone seeing me." The man climbs onto the hotel roof with her and finds a smooth, dark, glassy surface and says: "Here, lie down there, but on your stomach, we all look the same from behind anyway." A short time later, a hotel employee comes to the roof and says: "Can you please tell your wife to go tan somewhere else?" - "But why? Nobody can see them up here and we all look the same from behind!" - "Yes, but your wife is lying on the glass roof of our cafeteria."
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Started byHarry,
The trumpeter of the orchestra, a strong one Smoker, has been complaining of headaches for some time. He goes to the doctor and he makes a clear diagnosis: "Your brain is completely covered in soot, it needs to be cleaned. Leave the brain here, I'll clean it, you can pick it up again after three weeks." The trumpeter agrees. The three weeks are up, he doesn't pick up his brain. After two months the doctor meets the trumpeter: "Don't you want to pick up your brain again?" "No, I don't need that anymore, I've become a conductor"
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A blonde waddles out onto the ice and makes a hole to fish. As she was fishing, she heard a voice from above: "There are no fish here!" She doesn't respond, suddenly she hears the voice again: "There are no fish here!" She looks around but doesn't see anyone. Then she continues fishing. Then she hears the voice for the third time: "There are no fish here!" She looks up and asks very shyly: "God, is that you?" "No, I'm the spokesman for the ice rink!"
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Started byHarry,
Two foxes meet in the forest. He says one to the other: "So? What are we doing today?" "Come on, let's go to the rabbit, and if he doesn't have a hat on, we'll beat him up!" They run to the rabbit, and when they arrive, he doesn't have a hat on and gets beaten up. The next day the same spectacle. On the third day the foxes get tired of it and say, "We'll go to the rabbit and beat him up if he doesn't have any cigarettes." "Well, bunny? Do you have any cigarettes?" the foxes ask. The rabbit asks: "With or without a filter?" One fox says to the other: "Look, he doesn't have a hat on again!"
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It's Christmas. Two brothers get along their rooms. There are a bunch of presents under the Christmas tree, but only for one person. He gets everything he wanted. The other just a pair of socks. The rich recipient smiles: “Can it be that mom and dad like me better than you!?!” The other responds: “Could it be that you have cancer!?!”
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Started byHarry,
Fritzchen goes to his mother and asks: "Can I go to the swimming pool today? The first one will be finished today." The mother replied: “Yes, of course.” If Fritzchen goes into the swimming pool, he comes back with his left arm broken. The next day he asks his mother: "Can I go to the swimming pool again today? The 3 Series will be finished today." Then the mother: “Yes, of course, my darling.” Fritzchen comes back with his right broken arm The next day he asked again: "Can I go to the swimming pool? The 5 Series will be finished today." The mother replied: "Yes, of course, my darling." He comes back with two broken legs. The next day he asked his mother: "Can I g…
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The young woman expecting a baby asks the doctor: "Doctor, what position do I have to assume when I give birth to the child?" Says the doctor: "The same one you were in when you conceived the child!" - “Whaaat?” screams the pregnant woman and wrings her hands. “The legs out of the sunroof?”
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A man secretly wants his wife's cat get rid of it and decides to expose it. He takes her in the car, drives 20 houses, abandons the cat and drives home. Ten minutes later the cat is back. “Well,” the man thinks, “maybe the route was a little too short.” Gets back in the car with the cat, drives 5 kilometers and puts it out. Twenty minutes later the cat is back home. "That's enough!" The man thinks to himself, takes the cat in the car and drives 20 kilometers, then through the forest, over a bridge, right, left and then finally abandons the cat in a clearing in the middle of the forest. Half an hour later the man calls home. "Is the cat there?" he …
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A woman has an affair while her husband is at work. While she is in bed with her lover, her 13-year-old son comes in, sees them and hides in the closet to watch. Then the man comes home and the woman puts her lover in the closet without noticing that her son is already in there. Son: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes." Son: "I have a baseball." Man: "Nice." Son: “Do you want to buy it?” Man: "No, thank you." Son: "My father is standing out there..." Man: "Okay, all right, how much?" Son: “250 euros” Man: "Okay." After three weeks the same thing happens again, again the son and the lover are in the closet together. Son: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes." …
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Started byHarry,
The twin brothers Martin and Egon leave stroll. Suddenly Egon has to go to the toilet. He quickly runs to the nearest house and rings the bell. An old woman opens it. Egon: "I really need to go to the toilet!" The old woman shows him the toilet and Egon does his business. He later tells his twin brother about his experience: "Imagine, they have a toilet made of pure gold!" Martin becomes curious and on the way back he too rings the doorbell and asks if he could quickly use the toilet. The old woman then said to her husband: "Hermann, the guy who shit in your tuba is here again!"
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Started byHarry,
Two people at a job interview the police. The first one goes in. The boss says: “So, say the alphabet.” He does it, it works wonderfully and the boss asks: “Do you notice anything about me?” - "Yes. They have no ears!" The cop roars: "That can't be true, you cheeky man! This is a war injury! Get out!" The guy goes out and says to the other guy: "He'll ask you later if you notice anything about him. Don't under any circumstances say that he doesn't have ears!" The other person remembers it and goes in. The boss asks again about the alphabet, he can recite it excellently, and the boss asks again if he notices anything about him. Says the newcomer: "You're wearing contact …
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Grandpa goes outdoors with his grandson for a walk and says: "Now just look at this beautiful nature, the green trees and the lush meadows." He breaks off a blade of grass and chews on it. The grandson asks: “Grandpa, are we getting a new car now?” - “How did you come up with that now?” - "Well, because Dad said that if Grandpa bites the dust, we'll get a new car."
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Started byHarry,
In the Lenin year the directors of the three Moscow watch factories ordered to the Kremlin. The first reports: "We are now building a cuckoo clock, every hour the cuckoo comes out and shouts: 'Lenin, Lenin, Lenin'." Says the second: "That's nothing at all. The cuckoo comes out of our clock and shouts: 'Long live Lenin! Long live Lenin'!" "Well," says the third, "we took a slightly different approach. Lenin comes out here and shouts: 'Cuckoo, cuckoo'!"
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A man comes into a restaurant and says: to the innkeeper: "I'll bet you 100 euros that I can show you and your guests the craziest thing you've ever seen." "Good," says the innkeeper, "the bet stands." The man then takes a 20 cm long male out of his coat pocket. The little man walks along the counter and says: "Hello ladies and gentlemen, my name is Johannes Mario Simmel. You probably know me, I'm a very well-known novelist." The guests are completely amazed and applaud loudly when the performance is over. The innkeeper says: "Here you have the 100 euros. You deserve it. I've never seen anything so crazy. But tell me where you got the dwarf from." Says …
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Started byHarry,
Devil: “Why are you so desperate?” Man: "Stupid question, I'm in hell." Devil: "Hell isn't so bad - we have a lot of fun here. Are you a drunk?" Man: "Sure, I love drinking." Devil: "Well, you're going to love Mondays. We drink schnapps, beer, whiskey, tequila, everything all Monday. We drink until we drop." Man: “That sounds great!” Devil: "Are you a smoker?" Man: “Of course.” Devil: "You'll love Tuesdays. We smoke the best cigarettes from all over the world all day long. If you get cancer, who cares, you're already dead." Man: “That’s just great.” Devil: "I bet you're a player." Man: "Of course I am." Devil: "On Wednesday you can play anything yo…
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Started byHarry,
The passenger in the dining car, an East Frisian drank three bottles of wine and now he can't find his compartment anymore. He asks the train conductor for help. He scratches behind his ear: "Bad, bad! Don't you remember anything that would allow you to recognize your compartment?" The East Frisian thinks about it and then says happily: "Yes, now I remember: cows were grazing outside the window!"
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A woman goes to the pet store and wants buy a special parrot. Pet shop owner: "Take this one, the one with the two strings on the legs." Woman: "What happens if you pull on it?" Pet shop owner: “Try it out.” The woman pulls on a string, the parrot lifts its leg and says: "Hello. Hello." The woman is excited and pulls the other string, and the parrot lifts its leg again and says, "Good evening. Good evening." The woman is fascinated and thinks out loud: "What will happen if I pull on both at the same time?" Then the parrot said: "Then it'll hit me in the face, you stupid cow!"
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The officer comes to the doctor and has himself examined. He says: "Lately I feel like I've been worn out for a while!" - "Are you working too much?" - "Oh, that It's actually okay, Doctor, a year ago we had to work overtime still work about 42 hours and today there are only 37.5 hours left." - “Look,” the doctor diagnoses, “you’re probably missing something those 4.5 hours of sleep!"
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A police car is routinely parked in the evening in front of a pub. Suddenly the door to the pub opens and an obvious A completely drunk guest staggers into the parking lot. The Police officers grin and watch as the man moves from car to car staggers and tries to unlock the car every time. After five He finally found his car and opened the driver's door and first lies flat on the driver and passenger seats. In the In the meantime, some guests leave the bar and get into their cars and drive away. The drunk gets up and switches it off Windshield wiper on - although it's a nice dry one It's a summer evening - then he activates the turn signal and switche…
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