The Joke Book
86 topics in this forum
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Started by
Harry, "Doctor, my wife is crazy: she keeps 20 cats in the apartment." "That means she's very fond of animals." "Yes, but I can't stand the smell anymore." "Then why don't you open the window?" "That's not possible because then my 50 pigeons would fly away."
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Started byHarry,
Two prison inmates are talking. "Why are you here?" "I'm a bicycle dealer and I offered Erich Honecker my resignation. - And you?" "I watched Erich Honecker through a telescope." "There's nothing bad about it!" "Yes, yes, but I still had a rifle hanging on the bottom."
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Started byHarry,
Two men sit with a German Shepherd in a bar. Someone comes in, looks under the German Shepherd's tail and goes out again. If a second person comes in, he also looks under the German Shepherd's tail and goes out again. A third person comes in and looks under the German Shepherd's tail and wants to go out again. Then the dog owner says: "You're the third person to look under my dog's tail, what's the point?" - "There's someone outside who says there's a German Shepherd sitting there with two assholes in it."
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Three shipwrecked people, a Frenchman, a Dutchman and a German swim to a deserted island, are fished out of the water by natives and brought to the chief. He looks at them and says in a stern voice: "If you want to stay here, you have to go into the forest and each come back with two fruits..." Without thinking for long, the three storm off. The Frenchman returns first, carrying a bunch of grapes and a strawberry in his hand. He brings them to the chief, who says: "Now put both fruits in your ass, but if you laugh, you will die!" The Frenchman starts with the grapes, but has to giggle terribly. The chief then smashes his skull with a terrible blow fr…
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God is tired of it and wants the slaughter in the former Yugoslavia. For this purpose he sends Jesus back to earth. However, something went wrong during the landing and Jesus ended up in Sicily. No problem, he asks a fisherman if he can translate him. The fisherman sets off in his decrepit boat. Jesus is doing all this too slowly, and he remembers that he used to be able to walk on water. So he climbs over the railing and immediately sinks. The fisherman barely gets hold of him and pulls him back on board. Jesus: "I don't understand that, but that worked before." The fisherman replied: “You didn’t have any holes in your feet!”
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Started byHarry,
Someone goes to hell, faces the devil and can choose one of three chambers into which it should be placed. In the first chamber everyone is burned with red-hot iron - he doesn't like that very much. In the second chamber there is just a terrible flogging - it's still too hard for him. Finally, in the third chamber, all the test subjects stand up to their necks in shit and smoke a cigarette. Yes, the candidate exclaims happily, I think that appeals to me. I'll take the third chamber. So he stands up to his neck in shit with the others and lights one up. Suddenly a little devil comes and says: "Cigarette break is over, everyone go back into hiding!"
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- 281 views
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Started byHarry,
There are three men in the jungle. Suddenly they end up in the hands of cannibals. Says the chief: "We will cook you and then eat you. We will then make rubber boats out of your skin. Before we eat you, however, each of you will be granted one last wish." The first wants a gun and shoots himself. The second also wants a gun and shoots himself too. The third thinks about it and wishes for a fork. Then he pricks his skin with his fork and shouts: "You won't make a rubber boat out of me!"
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Started byHarry,
A poor, believing man prays to God: "Dear God, please let me win the lottery." The next day he prays again: "Lord, please make me win the lottery." This is how it goes day after day. After a year, the man is still praying: "Dear God, please let me win the lottery someday." Nothing happens. The man continues to pray bravely, then suddenly the room lights up and a deep, loud voice speaks to him: "Dear man, give me a chance, finally buy yourself a lottery ticket!"
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The art teacher collects them from the students painted pictures. A student hands in a blank sheet of paper. Teacher: "What is that?" Student: "That's a picture of a cow eating grass." Teacher: "Where is the grass?" Student: "The cow ate everything." Teacher: "Where is the cow?" Student: "It's gone because the grass was gone.
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There are three turtles on their way to a spring She is extremely thirsty. They run for a year, two years, three years and finally they arrive. The first two turtles eagerly want to jump onto the water, but the third one realizes that they have forgotten their drinking cups. "Oh, that doesn't matter!" says the first turtle. "I'm so thirsty!" complains the second turtle. "No, no," says the third turtle, "that's not possible without a drinking cup! Where are the manners! Watch out, you wait here and I'll go back and get our drinking cups!" The others have to accept it willy-nilly, sit on a stone and wait. They wait a year, two years, three years... Then one turt…
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Started byHarry,
What is orange and looks through the keyhole? A Spannderine. What is orange and goes over the mountains? A wanderine. What is purple and sits at the front of the church? A blackberry. What is yellow, oily and and sits in the front row at church? A pious fries. What is green and is in the coffin? A mortal. What is green and wandering around Istanbul? A gürk. What is colorful and runs away across the table? An escape salad. What is light brown and moves from piece of cake to piece of cake? A tarzipan. What is brown and floats in water? A U-Bread. What is black and white and jumps from ice floe to ice floe? A S…
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Started byHarry,
Somewhere in the ocean some different people are stranded Nationality on a paradise island: 2 Italians and 1 Italian woman 2 French and 1 French woman 2 Germans and 1 German 2 Greeks and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarians and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Swedes and 1 Swedish woman 2 Australians and 1 Australian woman 2 New Zealanders and 1 New Zealander woman 2 Irish and 1 Irish woman 2 Singaporeans and 1 Singaporean woman 2 Turks and 1 Turkish woman 2 Austrians and 1 Austrian woman A month later: 1 Italian killed the other because of the Italian woman. The two French people live happily with the French…
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Started byHarry,
Adam talks to the good Lord and asks: "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?" The good Lord answers: "So that you may like it." - "And why did you give her such a pleasant nature?" - "So that you love her." - "But then why did you make her so stupid?" - "So that she loves you."
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Started byHarry,
Alfons has just come from his practice family doctor when he meets his friend Peterle, who stutters. “Wha wa wa wasss,” Peterle begins, “are you missing d- d- d-? “Prostate inflammation,” Alfons replies curtly. "Pro-pro-pro-pro-prosta," Peterle desperately tries to say, "w- w- w- what is d- d- d- then?" “That means I pee the way you talk!
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Started byHarry,
A mafia boss finds out that he is his Defrauded an accountant out of $10 million. The accountant is deaf. The original idea was that a deaf accountant couldn't overhear anything and therefore couldn't testify in court. When the boss wants to take on the accountant, he brings his lawyer with him, who knows sign language. The boss asks where the $10 million is hidden. The lawyer asks the question in sign language and the accountant signals back: "I don't know what you're talking about." The lawyer replies to the boss: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." Now the boss has had enough and he pulls a 9mm pistol out of his pocket, …
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Started byHarry,
Two horses watch a horse race. One horse asks: “Why do they all run so fast?” The other answers: “Well, the fastest horse wins a prize!” The other responds: “Okay, but why do the others run?”
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Started byHarry,
Two toothpicks walk through the forest. Suddenly a hedgehog comes running by. One toothpick says to the other: “I didn’t know there was a bus driving here.”
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What hangs on the wall and shakes hands with everyone? -------------->The towel.
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Started byHarry,
What is written on a mathematician's gravestone? He didn't expect that.
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Started byHarry,
Two dogs met. One says to the other: “I am aristocratic, my name is Woff von Wuffenhausen.” The other then says: “I am also aristocratic, my name is Get off the Sofa!”
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Started byHarry,
In French class the teacher says: “I’m sorry Tilo, but I can’t give you more than a five.” Tilo then says: “Gracias!”
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A resident of Stockholm goes to the countryside to hunt ducks. When he sees a duck, he aims and shoots. But the bird falls on a farmer's farm and he doesn't release the prey. “That’s my bird,” the townsman insists on his right. The farmer suggests settling the dispute with a kick in the abdomen, as is customary in the country. “Whoever screams less gets the bird.” The townsman agrees. The farmer swings back and lands a huge kick in the man's groin. He collapses and remains on the ground for 20 minutes. When he can get up again, he gasps: “Okay, now it’s my turn.” “No,” says the farmer as he walks away. “Here, take the duck.
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Started by
Legionaire, 1. The storm: Navy admiral, Jim Lorenzo, and Army general, Mike Cunningham, were fishing together on a lake when a storm blew up and their boat capsized. Both men were left floundering helplessly in the water momentarily. Eventually the general managed to right the boat and clamber on to it. General Cunningham then extended an oar out to Admiral Lorenzo getting him to hang on to it, pulling him in, and thereby saving him from almost certain drowning. As the admiral was dragged into the boat, he puffed, “Please don’t say a word to anyone about this. If the Navy knew I couldn’t swim, I’d be disgraced.” “Don’t worry,” said General Cunningham, “y…
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Started by
Ronald, RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart: Dear Mrs. Harris: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: He to…
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