The Joke Book
86 topics in this forum
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Started by
Harry, An Indian in full war paint walks into a bar, on his shoulder a beautiful, large, colorful parrot. He orders firewater. The bartender stares for a long time at the Indian with the beautiful, large, colorful parrot and gives him the fire water. Then he asks: “It’s beautiful, where did you get it from?” The parrot answers: "From the prairie, there are thousands of them."
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The football club's victory celebration breaks out the masseur with the news: "Our center forward has just become the father of twins." The team captain proudly exclaims: "God damn! He managed a nice one-two." At that moment the coach comes into the dressing room: "Wait! Let's not forget the excellent preparatory work from our libero!"
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Started byHarry,
The teacher asks the class who knows a poem. Friedhelm speaks up and is supposed to present it. "An angler stands on the North Sea beach, the fishing rod in hand. A bass hangs on the fishing hook, the water is up to his knees!" "But Friedhelm, that doesn't rhyme at all!" "No, teacher, not now. But just wait until the tide comes in!"
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Started byHarry,
Une femme turque attend des jumeaux. Comme Le moment venu et qu’elle commence le travail, elle appelle l’hôpital. Le centre de contrôle lui explique qu'il n'y a pas d'ambulance disponible pour le moment, mais que la police sera envoyée pour la récupérer. Dit et fait. Quelques heures plus tard, peu avant l'accouchement, le policier crie : "C'est bon, pousse, pousse..." Soudain, on voit sortir une petite tête qui se recule aussitôt et dit à son frère : "Hé, Murat, merde ! Il faut sortir par derrière, les flics attendent déjà là-haut !"
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An off-road vehicle drives through the desert stall due to engine failure. If a white horse comes running, look under the hood and repair the damage. The driver looks at the horse in disbelief. After the car was running again, the man immediately drove to the nearest oasis, rushed into the nearest bar and told the innkeeper the incident. The innkeeper: "You're lucky, there's a black horse running around, but he doesn't know anything about cars."
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A physicist, a mathematician and an astronomer stand in front of a flagpole and discuss how best to determine its height. The physicist is in favor of measuring gravity at both ends and drawing a conclusion from the measurement difference. The astronomer wants to determine the angle to Sirius and the Andromeda Nebula, this allows the most precise one in relation to the world axis, etc. - The mathematician rambles something about triangulation and angle functions... An English professor comes along and says, why don't you just put the bar down and measure it? As soon as he left, the physicist said to the other discussants, "you see it again, these laypeople have no i…
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At school the teacher asks what a be a catastrophe. Fritz answers: “If my hamster died.” - "No," says the teacher, "that would be a misfortune, but not a catastrophe. It would be a catastrophe if, for example, our entire government were to die in a plane crash." Says Fritz: "But then again that wouldn't be a bad thing!"
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Started byHarry,
The East Frisian buys a chainsaw. The seller says: "With the model you can fell at least 30 trees a day." The East Frisian goes into the forest. On the first day he creates three trees, on the second five, and on the third even seven. Nevertheless, he is not satisfied and goes back to the store. The salesman looks at the chainsaw and says: "There's fuel in it, spark plugs are okay, I don't understand why you're having problems with it. Let's try it out." The salesman starts the saw. The East Frisian: "Hey, what's that sudden noise?"
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Started byHarry,
The production of a farm (a joke from Turkey) You own two cows, sell one and buy an ox. Your herd gets bigger, the farm expands. However, if you live in INDIA: They own a cow and an ox, but only worship them. They starve but reach nirvana. If you live in CHINA: They also own a cow and an ox. They sell the calves and get rich. If you live in PAKISTAN: You own no cattle and claim that all cows in India are your property. You put everything you have into nuclear research. If you live in the USA: They own two cows and milk them in three shifts for 24 hours. If the cows die from it, you blame a rogue state and invade it. If you li…
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God created the donkey and said to him: "You you're an ass. You will work constantly from morning to evening and carry heavy things on your back. You will eat grass and have little intelligence. And you will live fifty years." Then the donkey replied: "Living like this for fifty years is far too long, please don't give me more than thirty years!" And it was like that. Then God created the dog and said to him: "You are a dog. You will guard the goods of humanity, whose most devoted friend you will be. You will eat what man leaves and live for 25 years." The dog replied, "God, living like this for 25 years is too much. Please no more than ten years!" And it was …
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Started byHarry,
Three priests at the gates of heaven. Says Peter: "Just because you're a priest, I can't just let you in. Tell me your sins first." The first priest: "Well, I watched my housekeeper get dressed through the keyhole." Peter: "O.k., come in!" The second: "I grabbed my cleaning lady's breasts and bottom." Peter: "Well, come in." The third: "I looked under the skirt of an employee at ALDI who was standing on the ladder, and because she wasn't wearing any panties, I caressed her there once." Peter: "Sorry, in that case we can't let you in here." The third resigned: "I thought so, they won't let me in at ALDI anymore either."
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A 70-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting arrested. When she was brought before the judge, he asked, "What did you steal?" "A can of peaches," was the answer. When asked why she stole the can, she said she was hungry. Then the judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She said, "Six." The judge then said to her: "Then I will give you six days in prison." Her husband then spoke up and said: "She also stole a big can of peas."
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Man at the doctor. "Doctor, I'm in pain in the abdomen, which extends between the legs up to under the legs Shrug your shoulders." The doctor says: "Well, then the thing has to come off!" “He’s crazy,” the man thinks and goes to another doctor. However, he makes the same diagnosis. The man doesn't want to believe it and wants to get a third opinion. If this doctor also thinks so If the thing has to come off, then there will probably be something to it, he thinks. He tells the third doctor about the pain. Between the legs up to the armpits. This doctor also provides the diagnosis: “This thing has to go!” The man resigns himself to his fate and has the thi…
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A man runs along the river. He stops at a fisherman and asks: "Did my wife come by here? She's blonde and wearing a red dress." "Yes," says the angler, "a few minutes ago." "Thank God, then she can't be ready yet!" "I don't think so either! With the current being so weak!"
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Fritzchen and Peterchen play at Peterchen's at home William Tell. Fritzchen is standing against the wall with an apple on his head, Peter takes aim - but he misses and hits Fritzchen's right eye. Peter aims again - but he misses again and hits Fritzchen's left eye. Then Fritzchen says: “I have to go home now!” Peterchen: "You spoilsport! Just because I missed?" Fritzchen: "No - my mom said I should come home when it gets dark."
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Two Vopos walk along the Spree in midsummer along and watch a windsurfer. Suddenly the surfer is no longer there and only the board is floating on the water. The police think they have to save the man and actually recover a lifeless body. One immediately begins resuscitation and mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. But he immediately stops again and says: "Oh man, he has terrible bad breath!", to which the other says: "Forget it, he still has his ice skates on!"
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Started byHarry,
A man, completely drunk, half asleep at the bar counter - his food in front of him. Someone else comes into the bar and is very hungry but has no money. He thinks to himself: I'll grab the drunk guy's food, he won't notice anyway. If the drunk wakes up after a while, takes a look at the empty plate and says: "Hmm, I've been there before."
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Started byHarry,
An older couple is at the cinema. The film begins and suddenly the woman slides around on the floor. The man says: “Tell me, what are you doing?” The woman says: “I’m looking for my chewing gum!” “It fell out.” The man answers: “Then take a new one!” The woman says: “ It does not work! The teeth are hanging on!”
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Started byHarry,
Fritzchen comes from Sunday school. When his mother asks him what he has learned, he says: “God is a whirlwind!” Mother says that can’t be true, but Fritzchen insists and they agree that Fritzchen will ask again next Sunday. A week later, when Fritzchen comes home again, his mother asks: “Well, what about the whisk?” Fritzchen: “Yes, yes, you’re right, God is a creator – but I knew that there was something is from the kitchen!”
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I called my urologist - the line just stuttered. I called my gynecologist - he just looked down the tube. I called my dermatologist - it didn't even bother him because the line was immediately lubricated. I called my psychiatrist - the connection was broken. I called my internist - it came over the line. I called my rheumatologist and there was a crack on the line. I called my anesthetist - but then didn't hear from him again. I called my ENT doctor - but he didn't listen to me. I called my radiologist - but he saw through me straight away. I called my eye doctor – but he saw it coming. I called my pediatrician - he listen…
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Started byHarry,
The Meiers take a drive into the blue by car. When night falls and they get tired, they spontaneously stop and go to the nearest hotel. “What is the name of this place?” asks Meier’s wife. He shrugs his shoulders and goes to the toilet first. When he comes back he says: “You, I now know where we ended up! In India!” “What makes you think that?” “I saw a sign outside that says: Toilet across the aisle.”
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Started byHarry,
Man to a blonde: “Hey, do you know why you blondes have a hollow in your chin and a flat forehead?” The blonde puts her finger on her chin and thinks: “Phew, I have no idea! Don’t know!” Suddenly she slaps her forehead with the palm of her hand: “Ah, now I know!”
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Started byHarry,
Anno 1870. Dragoons are quartered in a village. A sergeant is housed in a farm. Clattering spurs and rattling sabers, he moves like a rooster on the dung. The farmer looks at this for a while without saying a word. Lunch. The sergeant takes his saber out of its scabbard, places it on the table in front of him and sits down. But then things get too stupid for the farmer. He goes out, gets a pitchfork and puts it on the table in front of him. The sergeant is taken aback: “What does that mean?” – “Nothing,” says the farmer, “or at most that we farmers also know what is appropriate. A big knife goes with a big fork.”
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Started byHarry,
A man comes home from a business trip and is happily greeted at the door by his dog: "Well, Schnuffi, everything went well here at home?" - "Jaaauuul!" - "What's going on, something with my mistress?" - "Woof!" - "Did something bad happen to her?" Be silent. “Well, were there visitors?” - "Woof!" - "About a man?" "Woof woof!" - “What did they do?” - “PITCHELHECHELHECHEL!!!”
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After every flight, pilots fill out a form where they inform the mechanics of problems that occurred during the flight and that require repair or correction. In return, the mechanics inform the pilots on the lower part of the form what actions they have taken before the aircraft takes off again. You can't say that the ground crew or engineers are humorless about this. Here are some complaints and problems that have actually been filed by QANTAS airline pilots. In addition, the respective response comment from the mechanics. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a crash. P = Problem reported by pilot. S = The solution/measure of the engin…
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