The Joke Book
86 topics in this forum
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Started by
Ronald, A plane is flying above the earth with 4 passengers on board... the Russian President Vladimir Putin, the American President Donald Trump, the Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, and a boyscout. All of a sudden, the engines flame out and stop running. The pilot enters the cabin where the 4 passengers are seated and explains that the plane is now gliding and losing altitude... it will crash into the earth in 6 minutes. The pilot explains that including himself, there are 5 people on board, but only 4 parachutes. The Russian president jumps up and exclaims" we are the richest country in the world", and he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The American p…
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Started byRonald,
WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA? A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. ' ' What type of bra?' asked the clerk. 'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?' ' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. 'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.' Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: 'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would y…
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- 1 reply
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Started by
Legionaire, Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was at the movies.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.” Mother laughs: “Ha! He really is your son!” Detector: “Beep.”
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Started byLegionaire,
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.” “And yer hand?” asks Morty. “When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.” “OK, but what’s with the eye patch?” “I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.” “But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.” “True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.
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- 609 views
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Started bybosss,
A black man talks to a white man: When I was born I was black, When I grew up I was black, When I'm sick I'm black, When I go in the sun I'm black, When I'm cold I'm black, When I die I'll be black. But you: When you're born you're pink, When you grow up you're white, When you're sick, you're green, When you go in the sun you turn red, When you're cold you turn blue, and when you die you turn purple. And you have the nerve to call me colored!!!
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- 643 views
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Started byLegionaire,
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!” “Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he …
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Started byLegionaire,
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?” Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s don…
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Started byLegionaire,
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. “You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
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Started byLegionaire,
SOME THINGS YOU JUST DON'T DO A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
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Started byLegionaire,
BE CAREFUL WHO YOU HUNT WITH Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. 'My friend is dead! What should I do?' The operator replies, 'Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead.' There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the hunter says, 'OK, now what?'
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